Let's be beastly to the English

I wouldn't normally comment on football as I can't abide it. Always have. Always will. I'd rather roll around naked in a vat of tapioca with Theresa May.

But the inept display by the England team in the World Cup just confirms that these days our footballers are a spoiled, overpaid bunch of lazy tossers who don't seem to have any passion or hunger when wearing the Three Lions shirt. And if that nasty Mr Capello tries to instil some kind of discipline, they yell boo-hoo, foul!

They couldn't even beat Algeria. In their first match, the excuse for our butterfingered goalie letting one in from the USA was about the new ball used this year. The Germans, it seems, have been practising with the new ball for months! It's not exactly rocket science, is it?

What palls most is the amount of money these guys are paid when the rest of the country is struggling financially and many are losing their jobs. Their performance is just an insult, a kick in the teeth. And, yes, footballers have short careers but they still do quite nicely, thank you. Have you ever heard of a poor ex footballer?

This all, of course, brings me to this year's Eurovision, a subject on which I'm on home rather than away ground. What happened in Oslo? Oh yes, Germany won and the UK came last. Perhaps Germany did well because they took some trouble in choosing their song and performer this year. Unlike us, they actually put in some hard work. I'm sensing a pattern here....

I am not Spartacus

Is it because of the rise of sword-and sandals-epics on film and TV that gladiator sandals have become popular with women? Well, now it seems, style fans, that men can get them too. Wearing them won't turn you into Russell Crowe (should you want to turn into a scruffy, arrogant, potty-mouthed Aussie), and will make you look like a complete prat.

I have a general gripe with summer footwear for men, even the regular sandal. Why should you end up paying a fortune for a few small bits of leather stitched together (Prada £250, Jil Sander £345, John Lobb £465)? Even at the cheaper end (Aldo, £70!) they're overpriced - and don't look that great. Feet aren't the most attractive part of the body, though the fact that I have a "criminail" infection on one big toe probably makes me as jaundiced about open footwear as the colour of the affected toenail (apologies).

Still, at least sandals can sometimes look cool and are a sight better than the ghastly flip-flop (often seen at this time of year with nasty baggy cargo shorts and a tatty tank top), which should ONLY be worn at the beach or on hols. In town they're definitely a no-no!

Why Oslo was priceless

And so the Eurovision glitterball has been packed away for another year.
But we can be grateful to the Norwegians, who were charming hosts, for dragging the songfest kicking and screaming into the 21st century and investing it with gentle humour. There were no endless shots extolling the virtues of their country (remember the travelogue that was Athens 2006?), folk dancing or trolls (apart from some of those performing).
For the interval we got a flashmob dance filmed around cities of Europe - and performed live in the hall by the 18,000 audience, plus between-act postcards featuring fans of all the nations - that made it an inclusive and very contemporary show. Which helped bring about a cool and modern winner in German Lena's Satellite. A great result for the contest.
Not so good for the UK, of course, whose last place was widely predicted the whole week thanks to a song that was definitely from the 20th century. That said, all credit to performer Josh who, for a relatively inexperienced singer in an intimidating arena, handled himself with charm and professionalism the whole week - even after the contest. What a trouper.
Pete Waterman expressed surprise at the size and media circus of the whole shebang. He might have considered that - or even watched previous winners - before he pulled the desperately tired That Sounds Good To Me from the back of his sock drawer.
So what will the BBC do next year? Probably more of same. We can only hope they'll pull their finger out. The rest of Europe expects something that reflects our world-beating pop music. That's why they won't vote for our sub-standard, old-fashioned entries - it has nothing to do with so-called political voting, as the German win proved.
Still, even the UK finishing at the bottom of the board again cannot dim the great memories of Oslo: the Georgian party at the fabulous new opera house, walking up the pink carpet to the welcome party at City Hall like it was the Oscars, and chatting to one half of Bobbysocks (Hanne) while queuing for a small £8 glass of wine during the final. No, we won't forget the exhorbitant Olso prices either - but Tak Norge all the same!